


After

by JoAsakura



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-18
Updated: 2013-02-18
Packaged: 2017-11-29 17:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/689822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoAsakura/pseuds/JoAsakura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before they were a couple, they had to get past Virmire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After

[2183, Virmire is a fading blue dot in a sea of stars as the Normandy hot-foots it back to the Citadel]

For the last few months, Kaidan had come to enjoy the fact that his workstation was located right outside the commander's quarters. It wasn't just that Shepard took extra time to talk to him (ducking his head when they spoke, little smiles pulling at his full lips when the topic was amusing - nothing at all like the squared shoulders and serious set of the jaw he carried with the rest of the crew. ), but it was the fact that the walls for Shepard's cabin were not nearly as thick as he thought they were. 

Sometimes, there would be the faint strains of cheesy russian-language pop music, Shepard singing along with enthusiasm but little skill. Sometimes, he'd hear him practicing talking to the council, to reporters, or pretending to talk to Udina - which was a mock conversation that included curse words that Kaidan had never even heard before and certainly had not expected Shepard to use.

None of it was loud enough to carry through the rest of the crew deck. It was as if Kaidan had a private little window into what made Shepard... Shepard.

And he loved it, even if he found himself wishing they were on different ships. Those little smiles he only showed to Kaidan. The awkward not-flirting when they spoke off-duty. Neither of them would ever break regulations, but with every badly sung bar of music and every probably-made-up curse word flung at an imaginary Councillor, he more and more wished they could.

It had taken a few months, and it was completely inappropriate, but Kaidan was very certain he was falling in love.

Today was different, though. The mood on the Normandy was grim. Shepard had made the rounds, made sure to take time to speak to everyone. One startlingly small hand on Kaidan's shoulder as he'd laid in medbay, Doctor Chakwas fussing over his inuries. (It's not your fault, Alenko.) Shepard had said so softly, giving him a squeeze. The crew said he'd paused at Ash's workstation in the bay, then retired to his quarters as the ship made course back to the Citadel. Kaidan had limped back to his workstation, wounds tender. But there hadn't been pop music or cursing drifting through the walls, just the sound of retching.

~~

Kaidan stood in front of the door, holding a bottle of peach-flavoured electrolyte water, fidgeting. He lifted his hand to knock, then let it drop, then raised it again, repeating the cycle until he'd gotten enough nerve up. "Commander? It's Lieutenant Alenko. Can I.. Can I come in?"

There was a clatter then, "Yeah, yes. I mean. Come in." Shepard rasped as the door slid open. The room was dark, Shepard's nearby table scattered with datapads. There were hollows under his eyes as he nudged away a trashcan. He paused then looked down, realising he was still holding a glass of clear liquid, a nearby bottle with a holographic label in Cyrillic sitting beside him. "C'mon, sit down." He gestured with the glass then set it aside.

"I... thought you could use this." Kaidan handed him the bottle of water, and Shepard took it with a rueful smile. There were fading scrapes and bruises across his face where Saren had badly beaten him, dragged Shepard like a toy across the wet concrete while Kaidan lay there helpless. "Shepard.. you.. you checked on everyone. Are you ok?" Kaidan finally asked as Shepard took a swig of the water.

"На Здоровие~ Writing the letter to Ash's family. Kirrahe wanted me to include a message from him on behalf of the Salarian Union." Shepard pushed at a datapad with a bitter laugh. "He's.. much better at it than I am. It's really moving." He sat back and looked at the bottle of vodka on the table. "You know I was in a gang, right?"

"I remember meeting that Finch guy in the wards." Kaidan said with a shake of his head. "Yeah."

"That crappy little _зяблик_... Finch was a title in the Reds. Meant you were just a common, pretty little thing. Replaceable. *I* was a finch." he snorted. "But.. yeah. When a member of the crew died, we'd toast them, then pour out a bottle of cheap-ass _Народная_ on the curb for them. Ash was my friend, as well as my subordinate. And it's so stupid, but all I can think of is, I can't leave an offering for her on the ship." He laughed miserably, took another swig of the water, then finally met Kaidan's eyes. The lieutenant flinched under their weight, pale grey-green and bleak as a Noveria mountain. "You wanted to know why I saved you and not her." Shepard said after Kaidan looked away.

"I'm not questioning your decision, Shepard... I just.." Kaidan started, falling silent as Shepard held up his hand.

"A better question is why did I take you on all those missions we faced biotic extremists with?" The commander finished off the water and tossed the bottle into the trashcan where it landed with a splat/thunk.

~~

Kaidan looked back at him, the glass of vodka again in Shepard's hand. "Permission to speak freely?" 

"In here, you always have that permission, K...Alenko." Shepard said, peering over the rim of the glass.

"With any other commanding officer, I would assume it would have been a test of loyalty. See who I sided with: the Alliance or my L2 'cohort'." Kaidan sighed. "I've never served under another biotic. You know as well as I do that even with signing bonuses, we're still pretty rare in the military." Shepard nodded at that, and Kaidan went on. "To be honest, i'd like to think it was because you implicitly trust me to have your back."

"I do. More than anyone." Shepard knocked back the rest of his drink and set it down with a clatter. "There's no way I can say this without sounding creepy, Alenko, so .. forgive me. But. You. You make me feel a calm I haven't *ever* known. I feel stronger knowing you're beside me. You keep me grounded." He paused, then continued quickly. "Don't worry, I'm not expecting you to say anything here, you don't have to feel compelled to... to anything..." He took a deep breath and poured himself another drink. "but it was a moment of supreme selfishness. That I couldn't bear a world you weren't in. I... I couldn't do it. I didn't want to let Ash die. But I had to choose and.. I chose.." The words broke off with a little hitch and he fell silent, staring at the clear liquid.

Kaidan was out of his seat so fast it fell over. His arms were around Shepard's shoulders before he quite knew what he was doing, and for a moment, the commander stiffened, startled. Then Shepard collapsed against him. Not crying, not anything except letting Kaidan hold him up, hands curled lightly in the fabric of the lieutenant's shirt. "I don't blame you. I'm so sorry you had to choose." He whispered into Shepard's hair. "But I.. you're important to me too, Shepard. I *want* to be beside you, through everything. You have no idea how much I..."

"... I would ask if I could kiss you." Shepard suddenly said against Kaidan's chest. "But I've been throwing up."

"Your breath smells like Wrex's." Kaidan agreed. "Maybe. Maybe after this is all over. We.. we find a place that has good beer. Maybe some steak sandwiches. I'll treat. Then *maybe* I'll kiss you."

Shepard's sad chuckle was a low, small thing. "After. It's a date."


End file.
